Ivypool's Guide to Being a Single Mom who Married a Selfish Prankster
by Queen Rebelle
Summary: After her show, Win a Date with Ivypool, Ivypool decided to write her own book! Her own guide to being a single mom who married a selfish prankster is now available to read! Sit back, relax, maybe grab a smoothie and read on!
1. Horror Movied

**Hey guys! I know you've been waiting for something like this, right, WADWI fans? Well, I've finally gotten around to writing it. Yay! Sit back, grab your popcorn, maybe your twin (Sapphire: ow!), and enjoy!**

1) Make sure he isn't afraid of horror movies.

"Hey, Foxleap!" Ivypool squealed.

"What?" He spat out the toothpaste he was dared to eat (by Icecloud, of course).

"Look at the new horror movie I bought!"

Ivypool held up the DVD. Written on the case was, 'As Below, So Above.'

If it was a cartoon Foxleap would have billions of sweat marks on his head.

"Um," He pulled out his jPod. "Um, hello Icecloud! Oh, I'm so sorry," He looked at Ivypool. "I have to go." He started running away.

Ivypool grabbed the collar of his short. "You're talking to a jPod. Those can't call people." She laughed. "Come on, big baby. It's not that bad."

Foxleap sighed, and sat down on the couch. He looked at Ivypool and smirked. "If you're scared, you can always cuddle with me."

(My line breaks are terrible XD)

Foxleap screamed, and held onto Ivypool firmly. Ivypool rolled her eyes.

"The movie hasn't even started yet." Ivypool sighed.

On the screen was the 'Against Piracy' thing.

"What is that thing?" Foxleap whispered.

"It's to make sure people don't copy the film and sell it." Ivypool rolled her eyes. "You're more girly than I thought."

"No I'm not!" Foxleap protested. "I'll be manly thought out half of the film!"

"Sure you will." Ivypool rolled her eyes.

(My line breaks suck XD)

Foxleap held onto Ivypool tighter. "What is that?!"

"That's the actor."

"No! That!" Foxleap pointed to a small red fleck on the screen. "Is that a demon?"

Ivypool sighed, and walked to the screen. She wiped the red fleck off of it. "That's a crumb of my spicy nachos."

"Oh," Foxleap wiped his forehead. "Phew."

"_That _is a demon." Ivypool laughed. She grabbed a handful of popcorn.

Foxleap screamed, and pulled his shirt above his eyes.

"Mommy?" Echokit asked.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Why is Foxleap such a whiny baby?"

Foxleap whimpered under his shirt.

"Yeah," Coalkit laughed. "This ain't nuthin. Your stories you told us about Tigerstar were scary. This is just funny."

"Now kits, go back to your room and watch Thorn again."

"Yay! I love Claws Hairsworthalot!" Echokit screamed. She ran back to her room. Coalkit followed.

"You see?" Ivypool purred. "My kits are more mature than you."

"Your kits are a combination of Breezepelt and you; of course they're going to be like that!" Foxleap protested.

"Just watch the darn movie." Ivypool hissed.

"O-, okay." Foxleap sat down, and hit the 'play' button.

He screamed again as Ivypool paused it right when the demon has just ripped someone apart.

Ivypool rolled her eyes. "See what I mean? You need to manly-up!"

Foxleap grumbled. "Fine."

"Scream again and I won't buy anymore whoopee cushions for you."

"No, not the whoopee cushions!" Foxleap wailed.

"Then watch it like a man!" Ivypool hissed.

"Fine."

Ivypool played it again. Foxleap held his hand over his mouth to keep him from screaming. He tensed when the lead female died, but softened when Ivypool put her head on his lap.

(Yet another sucky line break XD)

"See?" Ivypool purred. "That wasn't so bad."

Foxleap shook, and started blankly at the screen.

"Well, I'm going to bed. That was lame." Ivypool got up and started walking down the hall.

Foxleap looked over the couch, making sure Ivypool was gone. He looked at the remote, then the DVD box, and put in The Very Large Merman.

He sighed, relieved.

He had found his true movie.


	2. Surprise!

**I know, late chapter, but I'll make up for being late. Enjoy :)**

1) See how well he adapts to surprises.

Ivypool opened up _Spy's Weekly's_ new magazine issue. She looked at Foxleap. "I want a new car."

"Isn't your Meowzada enough?"

"No."

"StarClan, you're spoiled." Foxleap rolled his eyes.

"Oh, I'm not. Have you seen what Dovewing gets for her birthday?" Ivypool pulled out her pawPhone and showed Foxleap a picture.

Dovewing was standing in front of a giant female robot with a ribbon tied around its head.

"Oh dear." Foxleap face-palmed.

"I know." Ivypool rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm off. Gotta meet with some friends."

"Who?"

"Oh, you know, Breezepelt. Redwillow. Applefur. The gang."

"Okay. See you later." Foxleap kissed Ivypool's forehead. Ivypool grabbed her black leather purse and walked out the door.

(Lol my line breaks stink)

Ivypool pushed the door to Brokenstar's Evil Pizza place open.

"Hey, Ivypool." Applefur nodded.

"Sup." Ivypool nodded.

"So," Redwillow started. "Did everyone finish their assignment?"

"Yeah," Breezepelt laughed. "My mother was so ticked off!"

"My mom cried." Applefur gazed sullenly out the window. "And now I can't get donuts for my birthday any more."

"My mom doesn't give a crap." Ivypool laughed. "She's all like, 'Oh, Dovewing's the best, blah blah blah!'!" She mimicked in a high-pitched voice. The gang laughed.

"So, what's this week's assignment?" Applefur asked.

"You have to prank your boyfriend," Redwillow looked at Applefur. "Your girlfriend," He looked at Breezepelt. "Your husband." He looked at Ivypool.

"How?"

"By telling them something life-changing." Redwillow laughed.

"Like pretending a divorce?" Ivypool panicked. "I can't do something like that to Foxleap!"

"Of course not!" Redwillow gasped.

"Well, I'm telling him I'm breaking up with him." Applefur laughed, getting out of her seat and grabbing her tote bag. "You guys just figure things out." She walked out the door.

"But I don't wanna do this!" Ivypool whined.

"Suck it up, whiny baby." Breezepelt sneered. Ivypool swatted him on the shoulder.

"Shut up." Ivypool grabbed her purse and stood up. "Well, later guys. Gotta go to my spy classes."

"Aren't you already a spy?"

"Yeah, I'm just teaching." Ivypool shrugged. "Later."

(SUCKY LINE BREAK TIME)

Ivypool hummed along to a song as she drove down the highway.

_What should I do for the challenge? What to do, what to do!_

She laughed, grasping the steering wheel and swerving around an elder crossing the highway.

"This isn't even a crosswalk, you old crone!" She shouted out the window, making a rude hand gesture at the old lady. The old lady waved her cane in the air as Ivypool drove away.

(IT'S ALMOST TOO SOON FOR ANOTHER LINE BREAK)

"How was your day?" Foxleap greeted Ivypool from the couch.

"Good." Ivypool faked a yawn.

"Tired?" Foxleap asked. Ivypool nodded, sitting down next to them.

"I bought a lottery ticket today," She said, pulling it out from her pocket. "I wanted you to scratch it off."

"Sure." Foxleap shrugged, grabbing a nickel from the table. He scratched it off. His eyes widened. "We won!"

"We did?" Ivypool suppressed a laugh.

"I did!" Foxleap screamed, throwing the nickel in the air. He hugged Ivypool. "I won, I won! I'm going to brag to Icecloud!" He pressed a button on his phone. "Hello? Icecloud! I won the lottery! Take that, loser!" He started dancing and screaming, "I won, I won!"

Ivypool couldn't take it anymore. "Check the back of that lottery ticket."

"I won, I-, okay." He flipped the lottery ticket over as Ivypool clamped her hand over her mouth. He screamed, and punched Ivypool. Ivypool burst into laughter, tears streaking from her eyes from laughing so much.

"It was fake!" She wheezed, rolling on the floor. Foxleap kicked her side.

"That isn't funny!" He cried, _actual _tears streaking down his face. Ivypool laughed again. "What?"

"I caught it on tape." She breathed, pointing to a wall.

"There's no camera." Foxleap tilted his head.

Ivypool laughed again. "You'll understand later."

"You'd better not send that to anyone." He snapped.

"Oh don't worry, I won't." She lied. She clicked 'Send All' and 'Post on Pawbook'.


	3. Fight!

**OH MY GOD I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY! I PROMISE TO UPDATE MORE OFTEN!**

**Also; if you like Minecraft, check out my poll for a new story I want to write!**

1) See how far he'll go in a fight (Note: If he starts going ballistic, it's a good sign)

Ivypool and Foxleap both walked into the now fancy 'Brokenstar's Evil Pizza Shack'. Yellowfang had made her son decorate the inside with pretty pink sparkles and monocles and mustaches. And more mustaches. But more on that later.

Brokenstar walked up to the two, straightening his monocle and wiping a bloodstain off of his fake mustache and his 'beautiful' sparkly pink sweater that had 'I LUFF MOMMA' laced in messy gold paint. "What may I get you?" He said enthusiastically, then coughed. "I mean, Mademoiselle, Sir, what may I get you on this fine evening?"

"What's gotten you so fancy?" Ivypool grumbled, rolling her eyes.

"Why good sir, I would like a beer of the root, please?" Foxleap said, pretending to comb HIS invisible mustache. Ivypool slapped her paw on her face.

"And for the lady?" Brokenstar twirled his mustache.

Ivypool smacked Foxleap's arm, then said, "I'll have a bottle of cola and a cheeseburger pizza."

"Please, just drinks. The first round of food will be your bread and soup." Brokenstar gave a toothy smile- literally, he just had all of his broken and ripped-out teeth replaced and repaired.

Ivypool groaned. "This place has gone down hill."

Now it was Foxleap's turn to smack her arm. Ivypool hissed and swatted him away.

"So, a cola and a root beer for drinks?" Brokenstar adjusted his monocle.

"Yes sir." Foxleap adjusted his invisible mustache. Don't even ask how that's possible.

Brokenstar nodded, and walked away happily.

"What is wrong with you?!" Ivypool punched Foxleap in the stomach. He squeaked, jumping back. "You embarrassed me in front of a whole crowd!"

Just as Foxleap was about to question her motives, he looked outside at the whole crowd of WADWI fans with their pawPhones up to the window. Everyone had gone silent.

"They've probably posted this all over PawBook!" Ivypool hissed, shoving Foxleap.

"#Fight! #Fight!" A fan screamed.

"#Ivypool! #Ivypool!" Another fan screamed.

"#IstillloveyouFoxy!" Rosepetal screamed, throwing a potted plant at the couple. She stomped away.

"#HASTGAGZZZZZ!" A voice that sounded suspiciously like Nightcloud screamed, then a _bang!_ and a _snap!_ later a thud was heard.

Ivypool hissed, and launched herself on top of Foxleap. The poor tom screamed, trying to protect himself from the wrath of an angry she-cat. Lesson learned, too. Never mess with an angry she-cat. Ever.

ANYWAY, Foxleap pried the furious cat off of him, tossing her as far as he could. Which means only a few inches.

Ivypool launched a punch at Foxleap's face. He shrieked and attempted to dodge it.

"You're such a weakling!" Ivypool cackled. Foxleap snarled, and curled his paw into a fist. She took a step back, admiring his fiery passion.

"You're the weakling!" Foxleap shrieked. He threw a few blows at her. She smirked, dodging them all. "I can't believe you had the nerve to pick a fight with me- the greatest cat ever –and embarrass me!"

He leapt at Ivypool so fast that even Tigerstar wouldn't have time to dodge it. Foxleap slammed Ivypool to the ground, holding his fist in the air threateningly.

She smiled, laughing. Foxleap raised an eyebrow.

Ivypool reached up and hugged him. Foxleap stopped, paralyzed, then wrapped his arms around her.

The crowd behind them 'awed' and clapped.

"You're... sorry?" Foxleap stuttered.

"No. I was testing you." Ivypool giggled, then stopped herself with the clearing of her throat. "I was testing you."

"Good." Foxleap yawned. "Because this fight was exhausting."

Ivypool face-palmed. "Just go home."


	4. Fight again!

**I know, this chapter's late. Well, as some of you might know, I published a new story which I can ****_not _****stop writing, it's called 'Blood of the Warriors'! You should check it out! And after you read it, ****_only after_****, you should vote on my poll!**

4) Does he ever say that he's sorry? 

Ivypool looked up from _Spy Weekly_, furious at the article written about her and Foxleap.

_Celebrity and husband __Ivypool and Foxleap __fight in restaurant, soon tiring out and romanticizing. _

Ivypool does _not_ romanticize! She's a fighter; not a lover!

Foxleap walked in, brushing his teeth. "Whaff's uf, schweetie?"

"The sky." Ivypool grumbled, trashing her magazine on the ground.

"You don sheem happy." Foxleap said, his voice muffled by the pink sparkly toothbrush in his hand.

Ivypool rolled her eyes, slouching back on the coffee-colored couch. She then decided to grab her phone, dialing a number.

"Who'ya callin'?"

"Applefur." Ivypool said, not looking away from her phone. "Maybe Blossomfall. I want to see if they can come over for shooting practice."

"I-, ish tha' safe?"

"Yes. Probably. No." Ivypool shrugged. "They're just firearms. How bad can it be?"

"Terrible." Foxleap said, spitting a glob of saliva and toothpaste into the kitchen sink.

"Ew, do that somewhere else." Ivypool stuck her tongue out. "I already have to do the dished thanks to that stupid accident you made."

_~flashback~_

"Ivypool!" Foxleap screamed. Ivypool came racing in.

"What?!"

"My hand!" Foxleap screeched. His hand was stuck in the garbage disposal. Ivypool wrenched his hand out of it quick as a flash.

"What the Dark Forest were you doing?!" Ivypool snarled.

"Trying to wash the dishes."

_~end of flashback~_

"Fine." Foxleap grumbled. He balled up spit in his mouth, then spat on Ivypool's face. He cackled, then dashed out of the door,

"FOXLEAP!" Ivypool screeched, sprinting after the troublemaker. "I SWEAR ON THE THUNDERSTAR-DAMNED DARK FOREST I WILL KILL YOU!"

Foxleap screamed, and started running faster.

Soon, Ivypool caught up to him after Foxleap tired of running. Ivypool tackled him, punching him on the face. Some people stopped to take pictures.

Foxleap fought to get Ivypool off of him, but she wouldn't budge. She crushed his ribs, making it hard for Foxleap to breathe.

_She looks like a size 2 but weighs like a size 10. _Foxleap thought. Ivypool punched him again, this time on the nose. Blood started pouring down on his face.

"Stop!" Foxleap cried. Ivypool paused mid-punch. "Stop hurting my beautiful face!"

Apparently that wasn't what Ivypool wanted to hear, because Ivypool kneed Foxleap in the groin, then started punching him again.

"#Fight, #fight!" A fan screeched.

"NO MORE DARK FOREST-DAMNED HASHTAGS!" Ivypool screeched, tossing a large stone at the fan.

"#Ow!"

Foxleap searched his mind for something to say, then thought of something he hadn't said in a long, long time.

"I'm sorry!" Foxleap cried. Ivypool stopped punching him.

"Really?" Ivypool gasped.

"Really!"

Ivypool stood up. "I think that's the first time I've ever heard you say anything like that." She grasped his arm and pulled him up, then hugged him.

Foxleap smiled, not like one he'd ever smiled before.

"You still owe me for that spitball though."


	5. Interview

Chapter 5

**Wow, I'm on a roll with writing these! I've finally gotten some ideas, so maybe I'll update a tad bit faster. Happy New Year, and if you haven't checked out my new One-shot book, then do so! It's Human!Warriors on traditional American holidays, so that'll be updated next month.**

**Enjoy the chapter! And Empress Tansy, I do hope it's okay if I use dome content from your Nightcloud stories for this.**

5) Ugh, interviews. I hope y'all don't have to do this with your spouse.

Ivypool yawned, stretching in her black tank top. Today she was going in for an interview on ClanTV with Nightcloud, which she was dreading. Ivypool had tried forever to stop it, but no dice. She could do nothing.

"Ivypool! Your interview is coming on in three hours!" Foxleap yelled.

"I know, dammit!" Ivypool hissed. She grasped her large brush and started ripping at her hair; just to at least tame it's unruly, curly mess. She regretted doing that bet with Applefur... If only she'd won. Then she wouldn't have to deal with the blonde curls stuck on the top of her head.

"Ivypool!" Foxleap yelled from the kitchen. "Your breakfast is ready!"

"What is it?!" Ivypool yelled sweetly, despite her mood.

"Oatmeal!"

"I SAID I WANTED DONUTS!" Ivypool growled. "I'M NOT ON A DIET!"

"Well I thought you were!" Foxleap yelled. "You're skinnier than you were!"

_Dang, what did I eat? _Ivypool thought, looking down at her slim body as she slipped on a shiny black sleeveless dress. She hated it, but alas, the network gave it to her to wear.

"Ivypool, ClanTV sent in a list of words you're not allowed to say on camera!" Foxleap yelled.

"Next thing they'll be sending is a list of things I can't mention!" Ivypool shouted back.

"Oh yeah, they sent that too!"

"(insert horrible swearword)!"

"Daddy, why is Mommy angry?" Echokit asked, chewing on a red lollipop.

"Because she has an interview, and aren't you a bit too old to have lollipops?" Foxleap asked, taking the lollipop from her mouth and sticking it into his. Echokit shrugged.

"I ain't young but I want my lollipop back." Echokit smiled, snatching the lollipop from Foxleap and kicking his nuts. Foxleap gasped, falling to the ground as Echokit skipped away cheerfully.

"Your daughter is a demon!" Foxleap gasped.

"My daughter is perfect." Ivypool rubbed Echokit's chin. "Now, don't get into trouble. And what I mean is don't get Mommy arrested again. You just have fun, okay?"

"Okay." Echokit smiled innocently, then skipped back to her room.

"What book did you use for parenting?" Foxleap panted.

"Tigerstar's. Then Crowfeather's." Ivypool shrugged. "I mainly use my own methods though." Foxleap looked at her like she was crazy. Oh wait, she kinda is...

"I'm scared for you." Foxleap said skeptically, going back to the kitchen.

"Aw shucks." Ivypool smiled. "You _do_ care! Now, can you stea-, I mean, buy me a new pair of shoes? Apparently ClanTV gave me a list of shoes I can't wear, rotten tennis shoes and old combat boots are on the list. So, stea-, I mean, buy me a new pair of combat boots, make sure there are concealed metal tips in case StarGleam decided to show up or something. Thanks!" She skipped away.

Foxleap grumbled, and walked out the door.

Ivypool looked around, then whispered, "Coalkit, Echokit!"

"What?" They both peeked out of their doors.

"I need you two to prank Foxleap-, I mean, Daddy. He kinda deserves it." Ivypool grinned. "Now, Mommy has to get ready for something. Go do your stuff, but don't leave any evidence on who did it. Mamma taught you well, remember?"

"Yes Mommy!" Echokit squealed, grasping a stick of butter and spreading it all over his favorite couch cushion. Coalkit followed her up with mousetraps scattered on the floor.

"Good." Ivypool sighed, and walked back to her room to continue brushing her unruly mane of hair. After ten minutes of constant brushing, she finally got half of the knots untangled. Yanking and twisting, she pulled back into a messy bun, then stumbled to her feet.

She slipped on her black socks and waited on her bed. Foxleap hadn't come back yet.

Until the door opened.

"Ivy, I'm home!" Foxleap smiled, surprised that a bucket of water hadn't been dumped on his head.

Too late. Echokit had sprung a trap on the ground as a massive downpour rained on him. He slipped, until his butt hit a mousetrap. He screamed, jumping into the air as a multitude of mousetraps snapped shut on his back side. He grasped his pillow to comfort him, only to have it slip out of his hands every time he grasped it. Fed up, he stood up and walked to the fridge. Instantly, an assault of ketchup splattered his face.

"Echokit!" He roared, and raced towards her room.

Ivypool cackled at the furious Foxleap. She had finally rubbed off on him. She tip-toed into the kitchen and grabbed her combat boots from the box. Luckily, they were unharmed. She slipped them on and stumbled out the door, yelling to Foxleap, "I'm leaving, Foxy! Take care of the kids!" She smiled as Foxleap breathed heavily outside of Echokit's room. "Echokit, Coalkit, I'm leaving! Remember to 'not bug Daddy'!" Ivypool laughed, and skipped to her car. Echokit cackled, grasping her squirt gun and spraying Foxleap. Foxleap growled, and chased her around the house.

Ivypool laughed as she turned on the car, and sped off to the stage.

(PRETEND LINE BREAK)

"Ivypool, get over here!" Tansy hissed. "We were supposed to see you here an hour ago!"

"Sorry, I had a bit of trouble with Echokit." Ivypool smiled, locking the memories of her crazed daughter in her head.

"Well, that doesn't matter. We have ten minutes to rehearse, until the show starts." Tansy frowned. Ivypool grumbled, pulling out the lists of things she wasn't allowed to do on-camera, reading each one thoroughly.

_Things you cannot say:_

_Fox-dung_

_Bull sh**_

_F***_

_Sh**_

_B****_

_B******_

_Breezepelt_

_A**_

_D***_

_StarGleam_

_Things you cannot mention:_

_That your kits were Breezepelt's_

_StarGleam_

_Breezepelt_

_Being arrested 4 times in a month_

_Beating up Foxleap in public_

_Hating Nightcloud_

"You got that down?" Nightcloud asked, holding her kits Shimmer, Sparkles, Hashtag, Tutu, and Misery from Pain and Suffering. Personally, Ivypool liked her last kit the most.

"Yep." Ivypool said, popping the 'p'.

"And, we're live, in 3... 2... 1..." Tansy said, turning on her camera and jumping down into her chair. Ivypool dropped her index cards and caught them mid-air, fumbling around with them just before stuffing them into her pocket. She smiled at the camera, straightening her black dress.

"Hello, Clan cats." Tansy smiled, glaring at Ivypool to sit down. Ivypool stumbled into her seat, smiling at the camera. "Today, we have two stars from a year ago, and now we're looking back at what has changed! Nightcloud, I noticed you brought five little guests with you today."

"Yes." Nightcloud smiled. "Me and my Scurgy-wurgy finally had kits. This is Sparkles, Shimmer, Hashtag, Tutu, and Misery from Pain and Suffering."

"What an interesting assortment of names." Ivypool snorted. Tansy glared at her.

"Well, beautiful kits!" Tansy smiled. "And, Ivypool, I assume you have kits of your own?"

"Well, the ones from Breezepelt." Ivypool snorted. Tansy struggled to get her not to mention him. "But no, Foxleap and I have not had kits."

"Where's the 'yet'?" Nightcloud said to herself.

"There is none." Ivypool hissed.

"Wonderful." Tansy plastered a fake smile on her face. "Now Nightcloud, how has life with Scourge been?"

"Wonderful!" Nightcloud gave a large glittery smile to the camera. "Our kits are _so _#amazing."

"Oh StarClan dammit, _no more hashtags!_" Ivypool hissed. Tansy gritted her teeth.

"Now Ivypool, what about you and Foxleap?" Tansy asked, giving her a look that screamed '_you say one more thing out of hand and I'll kick you off the set.'_

"Foxleap is great." Ivypool rolled her eyes. "That's kinda why I married him."

"Awesome." Tansy gritted her teeth. She just wanted to get back to Ashfur. "Now, girls, have your shows affected your lives so far?"

Nightcloud opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Ivypool blistering laugh.

"Duh! Would we have met out spouses? NO! Would we be covered in adoring fans every time we shop? NO!" Ivypool cackled harshly.

"That's fake-,"

"It's real!" Ivypool laughed.

"Well, that's a wrap! There you have it, Nightcloud and Ivypool!" Tansy gave a fake smile to the camera, walking up and shutting it off.

"That was a complete waste of my time!" Ivypool laughed.

"I can't believe you!" Nightcloud gasped. "You made me look bad!"

"Hun, you already look bad." Ivypool snorted, grasping her leather purse.

"Ivypool, I'd expect you'll be banned from the network after what you pulled today." Tansy shook her head.

"Don't care. Later!" Ivypool smiled widely, making a rude hand gesture and stomping out.

(LINE BREAKEROONEY)

"So, how'd it go?" Foxleap asked, brushing his teeth.

"Good, good." Ivypool grinned, sitting back and folding her hands behind her head. "You know, it's not worth watching."

~_ten minutes later~_

"Ivypool, what the StarClan is wrong with you?!"

"Uh-oh..."


End file.
